Sometimes it’s easy to forget that I am a person who is not like the others, because I’ve built so many accommodations for myself into my life. But when I travel, I come to appreciate how many modifications I’ve made in order to keep up the pretense of normalcy.
Last month I flew to Scotland, where I spent three weeks visiting family. It should have been a restful and relaxing trip. After all, I wasn’t working and had no real responsibilities besides being a support babysitter and making one meal a day. But since I left the little terrarium I’ve created for myself, I realized that I am actually ill-adapted to the real world.
The flight was naturally awful. Although I managed to construct a little ramp for myself on my airplane seat using pillows and blankets, so it wasn’t as bad as it might have been. I took trains and buses to the small town where I was staying. Since I could stand, that part was actually fun.
The socializing part, however, was hard work. We spent many evenings having what was, for the others, a relaxing time talking and watching my toddler niece. The others sat, but since I didn’t have a place to comfortably lie down, I stood most of the time. Usually when socializing, I like to busy myself by cooking or cleaning up, or performing other tasks that keep me in motion. But I didn’t always have that option, and standing stock still is wearing.
I still had to walk. But since my whole family is rarely together I didn’t want to miss out on quality time, so I would often wait until late at night to get started. On many nights I cut my walks short.
Dangling from a pull-up bar helps me manage the pain that comes from carrying heavy things during the day. But since I didn’t have a pull-up bar, I had to find and alternate solution.
There was a playground about a block from our place, and I found out I could hang from the metal bars supporting the slide. I’m sure it looked a little creepy and weird, but since this was a small town with few children the playground was usually empty. So I wasn’t inconveniencing anyone and nobody ever said anything about it. (I considered notifying the police in case anyone called with concerns. But my sister, who lives there, said there was no police force in town so it really wasn’t an option.)
If I was desperate, I could hang from the wooden armoire in my room, but the edge dug into my fingers and I couldn’t get a good grip, so I couldn’t hold on as long.
We visited a number of local attractions as well. When traveling with my family members, I realized that they were able to find many little moments to rest while out and about. They sat down on the bus, and when we stopped for tea or lunch. In museums, I was surprised at how often they would sit for a few minutes. My Mom in particular is surprisingly fit for her age, but even she needed to take a short break every now and then. I, naturally, do not have this option. So even non-strenuous activities took a greater toll on me than they did on the others because there is no real way for me to rest when out of the house.
But the most upsetting part was how difficult it was to play with my niece. The others had laps she could sit in, and they could sit on the floor to be at her level. I tried to read her stories while lying down, but it didn’t really work. And while I could kneel, that’s not a posture that lends itself to extended playing.
My niece was 16 months old and weighed about 25 pounds. I quickly found out that carrying her on one hip wrecked my back but the heartbreak of not picking her up was worse, so I did it anyway. Fortunately, I figured out that carrying her on my front, while more difficult, worked much better.
Scotland certainly had its upsides. When the weather cooperates, it is a breathtakingly beautiful country to walk in. Kingsbarns is situated near the Fife Coastal Trail, and is also near a golf course and the gardens of Cambo House. There were many moments when I felt blessed to be alive. Cheesy as it sounds, I felt like life was worth living if I could exist in such a world.
The trails are not easy, and clearly not designed with safety in mind. There are places you can only cross at low tide, and stretches of slippery rock and mud. Sometimes these places are on the side of the cliff, so losing your footing involves real danger. But I positively loved the challenge. I am usually a rather neat and tidy person, but I scrambled through the mud and muck without reservation and charged up those cliffs (not gracefully, certainly, but happily).
I reflected, while on one of these walks, that I oscillate between feeling uniquely hardy and uniquely fragile. On one hand, few people have the stamina to walk and stand as much as I do. On the other hand, typically sedentary activities like watching a movie or talking leave me physically drained. And I certainly devote more time in a day to health-related activities than anyone I know.
While I enjoyed my time in Scotland, at the end of three weeks I was ready go home. I wanted my couch to lay on, my treadmill desk, my shelves and waist-high furniture. I wanted my large selection of non-caffeinated beverages and my pull-up bar.
So Guidbye, Scotland! See ye efter!
